so far, so good. this month had been hectic, and it was getting tiring having to constantly pretend to be someone as drab and dreary as tear. as far as 'torn' was concerned, the girl was a total grandma: gloomy and overly-modest, traditional and quiet. it was so strange to have to try and act like this.
although a dear friend of hers was somewhat similar.
just as she'd been doing since the moment she'd possessed tear, torn has to follow through with the other girl's motions: following her schedule, seeing all of tear's friends like a good little ghost.
it just so happens that this was a meeting the ghost has been dreading.
singing wasn't really her forte.
she draws a breath to steady herself when she hears those snatches of music come drifting down the hall, and she pushes the door open with a little hesitance. in the emptiness of the theatre, the hymns sound kind of creepy to her.
" Hi, Erin! " she tries to sound cheerful as she makes her way towards the stage.
" I can see you've been practicing. You sound great! How have you been this week? "
Erin turns her head when she hears Tear and blushes faintly; she hadn't meant to be overheard. God she sounds - cheerful? That's new.
"Worse than yours from the sound of it," Erin admits. "A friend's husband got possessed and he's been..." she shies away from the correct word. "...Being, with people, under false pretenses. And I'm not sure what'll happen to me if I'm the one to hunt him down for it. I want him dead but maybe...I dunno. Maybe that's someone else's hunt."
This is supposed to be music time though, isn't it?
(We're really in our head, Peters)
Why does she call herself that when Erin asks everyone else not to?
"I've been trying to - okay, please don't be upset if I've misunderstood the significance here." Erin spreads her hands in the traditional gesture of Making Peace (See All The Weapons I'm Not Holding). "But...ever since that first night I've been really curious about your hymns, and I was wondering if maybe I could learn them. I don't expect to be able to use them like you do, Tear, to work magic and wonder. But...they're beautiful."
" Uh... wait, hold on -- there's people here who are married? "
everything erin says is such new information to her -- well, almost everything. she's completely blown away by some of it, like:
" Are you saying the guy was cheating on her? How awful ... Possessed or not, that's disgusting. I don't blame you for wanting to go after him. "
one thing torn can't stand is men being super skeevy or gross: it was a total pet peeve of hers, as someone who'd constantly been on the receiving end of perverted behaviour. all people cared about were her looks, back when she'd been in her own body.
but then again, it's not like the person possessing the body was her friend's actual husband, right?
she listens to erin's explanation with a growing sense of anxiety. she reeeaally wants to do this, huh...?
" Oh, well... I don't mind talking about it. They're in an entirely different language, though. I know the Ship kind of makes it so we can communicate, but the lyrics still have to be the same. "
that was true, at least. she almost breathes a sigh of relief, but she knows that erin will probably still want more information.
Erin blows out a long breath. "No, the person possessing his husband was seducing people while faking his identity. Taking away their ability to consent, to...it was a violation."
Her hand goes to her moving tattoos. Should she have said it? Is this one of the true and awful things people actually need to know? Bash's words about the corpse of the past race through her head.
(She said something else too, Peters)
"You stay out of this," Erin mutters to herself. She paces away, just trying to get some space. "I...yeah, I don't wanna just...they seemed holy," she says at last. "And I know what it can mean, to get something holy wrong. I don't wanna do that, not just because they're important to you but...you know."
(Have we ever seen Tear show this much open emotion?)
"I told you to stay out of it!" Erin realizes she said that out loud. "...Sorry. That was. To myself."
she's honestly floored to hear that and recoils at the information, covering her mouth with her hands. it takes only a second for the shock to be replaced by anger, though. torn had always been a passionate person.
" What a scumbag... Just who is this guy, anyway? I know I'm new here, so I probably might not know him, but ... "
she'd want to give him a piece of her mind too, if what erin says is true. like, listen. murdering and whatever? at least that's straight up and kind of ends things. something like a "violation" has lasting consequences though.
she knows that all too well.
" Hey, are you okay...? "
her brow furrows as she watches erin talk to herself. she isn't scared of it or anything, but can't help being a little concerned. she can't remember erin doing this in front of tear before, so maybe it's something of a stress response?
she'll talk about the music later, of course, but erin is a bit more priority right now.
Erin tries to wave it off and then sighs. "I'm...I keep my head organized by thinking about my own thoughts a lot. It's supposed to help me sort hallucinations from magical perception but it also means that my thoughts sometimes sound like...people to talk to, in my head, and not like, me thinking. I know it's me thinking, I'm crazy not stupid, but - anyway. The victim of the possessor is Giles, Ossie's husband. And if Giles ever comes back he's going to be horrified that his body was used like this. Like...like fucking meat. I know it's not the ghosts' fault they're here but...there's a fucking line."
She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
(Peters, something isn't right)
"I'm sorry, Tear, I know this is supposed to be our time to get away but it's been...it's been an onslaught of a fucking month. I can quit bitching, I swear."
oh ... so it was like some kind of coping mechanism, then. to be honest torn has never needed to go to that extent herself or anything -- but she can sympathize. the important part was that erin could tell the difference between the thoughts and reality anyway, so she isn't really bothered by any of that.
" Yeah, I can't say I know anyone named Giles ... " who was possessing him, anyway? she'd have to go and find out sometime later, after this if she can, and give the sicko a piece of her mind herself.
" It's okay, don't worry about it. The reason we're here is one thing, but if you're stressed about something I have no problem talking about it too. We don't have to do only music, you know? "
girl talk was one of her favourite things, and something she was sort-of good at.
(Peters.) The inner voice is so gentle this time. (How often were you told not to ignore yourself? You're the one you have to live with every day. Remember that first night?)
Her head cocks to the side for a moment, birdlike. "...I suppose not, but...I do want to. Could you, maybe, start us off? See if we find the feeling?"
|Explain quickly, me.|
(In what world is the girl who loved her art too much to stop, but was too afraid to share it with others, having a good week when she shows up to get hit with the joy and shame of it at the same time?)
|We don't know that. We barely know Tear!|
(We know she spoke the same words we've spoken when we're lost and lonely)
she flounders just a bit, unsure of where to begin. was she supposed to explain the holiness behind her songs first? did erin expect her to just jump right into those weird lyrics, in that foreign language.
she racks through tear's memories and when she speaks, it sounds almost as though she's awkwardly reading from a cue-card.
" The songs are in a language called Ancient Ispanian. They were made by a woman named Yulia Jue, so they're called Yulian Fonic Hymns. Not all Melodists use Yulia's hymns though ... It was really just my brother and I. "
god, the terminology from tear's world was always so complicated. fonon this, fonic that. it was almost like she was from some jrpg or something... torn almost wants to sigh. this was almost like studying in history class or something.
"Oh, I just meant - if you wanted to sing first..."
But the head voices are right. Something isn't rhyming here. Erin paces away, tousling her hair violently. Do something or don't? Crabb got caught out by a subtle change in accent, by the misplaced choice of a word, the signs are so small. She doesn't want to insult her new friend -
(Does Tear strike you as someone with a great excess of pride that can be insulted?)
"You have a point," Erin mutters. She takes a steadying breath. And then: "...Is 'Tear' really what I should be calling you?"
" Oh, sorry... You'd asked if the songs were holy before, so I thought I should explain first. "
the next question makes her freeze up -- did she hear that right? it feels like there's an anvil sitting on her chest, the weight of this accusation. it feels like it's a little hard to breathe.
" Um... I'm not really sure how to answer that. Tear is what I usually go by? "
in reality, 'tear' was actually a nickname and not her host's actual name. but erin probably didn't mean that. so she cuts right to the chase, just like how she'd imagine the real tear would:
" For the sake of clarification: are you ... trying to ask if I'm possessed too? "
"Yeah," Erin says, frankly. "...I'm tired, youngblood. This month has been a nightmare with no waking and now my last sanctuary from it feels like someone slapped a piece from the wrong puzzle in it. Maybe you were just having a really bad night, that first night. But I don't think so. I know the kind of damage I heard in her voice and her words and you don't shuck that like a badly-fitting coat."
The Lost turns to face Tear. Rests her hand on her saber, not threateningly, but openly. "So. Did I somehow get everything wrong about my friend? Or is there another name I ought to be calling you?"
because it's true -- yeah, she has every right to be suspicious, and to be upset that the singing lesson isn't going the way she wants for it to, but ...
" I don't think you got anything wrong about me... I'm not possessed, I was just thrown off by what you said earlier -- about that guy, Giles. I ... "
she pauses, hesitating. well ... a little bit of honesty wouldn't hurt here.
" I've been through something like that before, with a former teacher of mine. Hearing about that was really upsetting ... But I'm not possessed. If I was then don't you think I'd be attacking you, or going around hurting people, or something? I wouldn't be coming to see you, or wanting to hear you out in the first place."
ghosts are spooky and all that, right? plus, with what she just said giles did... well. torn was nothing like that.
Erin gives that serious consideration. Turns, just a little, to face the front of the stage instead of standing hostile. "...Not all the ghosts have been like that. I'm not gonna talk details, but while Giles' possessor was my first he hasn't been my only. The ones who have been living in harmony with the crew I've...let go. They didn't choose to be here either. They're passengers. One of us. Children of this garden."
(Leave the revelation aside for now Peters. We're too hurt to ask.)
|What if she needs to talk about it?|
(How much talking is she gonna do if we break down sobbing before she can even finish? One crisis at a time. One.)
wow, interesting... torn in genuine surprise here.
" he's not the only ghost? "
she's surprised to hear that -- both that erin's found some of them out already, and also that she's let them go for whatever reason.
" what do you mean when you say that they're passengers...? are you saying they're passengers right now, because they're in a passenger's body? or is it something else? "
she's genuinely curious, since the answer would tell her how much erin knows about them. torn had heard along the grapevine that some of the ghosts had been sharing information about them with the other passengers, but she's never really gone into the specifics. she'd been way more occupied with tear's friend group: that freak genius colonel and that magic-freak keeping her on her toes.
she has no hostility towards erin though, and hopes her genuine surprise and curiosity lend to the believability of her act. if there was one thing she knew for certain, it was that under tear's tough-soldier act, she was still just a regular teen girl. erin probably hadn't seen that side yet, though, but ... maybe getting a glimpse this way wasn't bad either.
Erin's ears twitch faintly. "Were, and are, and maybe will be. SecUnit sent some information first, and then it got backed up by the people I met. They had their own voyage. A hard, cruel voyage, run through the gauntlet of misery, presumably to fuel our creator. You know I'm the second time Erin Peters has had her soul copied? Two fucking nickels."
"...They said they don't know how to give the bodies back even if they wanted to. That they don't know how they got in them even. They rhyme a bit with the host but they're playing the wrong song, if you'll excuse the indulgence. That's. Why I'm so worried, right now. I'm prepared to accept that the friends I've made here might be gone. To welcome those who have returned through no fault of their own."
A small, shaky sob. "I just. Want to know if I need to mourn them or not."
these are ... pretty much all people she doesn't know, so she stays silent as erin talks -- letting her get it all out. the piece about erin's soul being split into two, or being copied, piques her curiosity though.
the part about not knowing how to give the bodies back is odd, though. but then again, they were probably lying.
" I see ... I understand why you'd be wary of me, then. You don't want to lose any more people you care about... "
she feels a little bad for erin -- a little. what they were doing, and trying to accomplish, was way more important than just one person's feelings. but if the roles were reversed, and the shoe was on the other foot, torn knows she'd probably be reacting just the same.
" I'm not sure if we need to mourn them... I haven't spoken to any of the possessed people myself. Do you think there's a chance the original person is still in there? Or did the ghosts say that they're gone? "
Erin listens. Her ears twitch violently, as if trying to swat something. And then she lets out a heavy sigh.
The song of her voice is leaden: "You're not saying it quite right. Tear hides from herself. Her voice is only this true and vulnerable when she's singing. You're too okay being yourself to be the friend I came here for, passenger."
[ she sighs, and shakes her head, long hair swinging with the motion. the way this person described things too -- "our garden" ... how cringey is that?
whatever. this person can believe what she wants to believe.
part of her is suuuper pissed off about this, but she isn't here looking for a fight. not when she has bigger things to deal with.
but then again: actually, maybe this is a good thing since not having to do singing lessons will free up her time more? ]
That's a strong opinion you have towards someone you hardly know.
[ how many interactions did erin even have with tear before this? like, a handful of lessons?
it was shocking to her that so many people were dead-set on their perceptions of tear, how so many came to know her so quickly and surely. but then again, her stoicism probably lended to that, right? her brutal honesty, her monotone way of speaking.
she was basically like a robot.
or, like makoto. ]
So ... am I correct in guessing you'd like to stop the singing lessons?
"They were never lessons, passenger. Just two shy people sharing their art, knowing we wouldn't be judged."
Some part of Erin wants to say: would you sing for me still? Can I hear those songs one last time, pretend things are normal? It would be so easy to just lie to herself.
But honesty is a habit, isn't it?
"...Just go. I won't press you, or push you. If you find that wretch living in Giles, I dunno. Maybe ask your fellows if he's the kind of vermin you want around in your home. I won't say it's been nice meeting you, but..."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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having to constantly pretend to be someone as drab and dreary as tear.
as far as 'torn' was concerned, the girl was a total grandma: gloomy
and overly-modest, traditional and quiet. it was so strange to have to
try and act like this.
although a dear friend of hers was somewhat similar.
just as she'd been doing since the moment she'd possessed tear, torn
has to follow through with the other girl's motions: following her schedule,
seeing all of tear's friends like a good little ghost.
it just so happens that this was a meeting the ghost has been dreading.
singing wasn't really her forte.
she draws a breath to steady herself when she hears those snatches of music
come drifting down the hall, and she pushes the door open with a little hesitance.
in the emptiness of the theatre, the hymns sound kind of creepy to her.
" Hi, Erin! " she tries to sound cheerful as she makes her way towards the
stage.
" I can see you've been practicing. You sound great! How have you been this week? "
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"Worse than yours from the sound of it," Erin admits. "A friend's husband got possessed and he's been..." she shies away from the correct word. "...Being, with people, under false pretenses. And I'm not sure what'll happen to me if I'm the one to hunt him down for it. I want him dead but maybe...I dunno. Maybe that's someone else's hunt."
This is supposed to be music time though, isn't it?
(We're really in our head, Peters)
Why does she call herself that when Erin asks everyone else not to?
"I've been trying to - okay, please don't be upset if I've misunderstood the significance here." Erin spreads her hands in the traditional gesture of Making Peace (See All The Weapons I'm Not Holding). "But...ever since that first night I've been really curious about your hymns, and I was wondering if maybe I could learn them. I don't expect to be able to use them like you do, Tear, to work magic and wonder. But...they're beautiful."
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everything erin says is such new information to her -- well, almost everything.
she's completely blown away by some of it, like:
" Are you saying the guy was cheating on her? How awful ... Possessed or not,
that's disgusting. I don't blame you for wanting to go after him. "
one thing torn can't stand is men being super skeevy or gross: it was a total pet
peeve of hers, as someone who'd constantly been on the receiving end of perverted
behaviour. all people cared about were her looks, back when she'd been in her own
body.
but then again, it's not like the person possessing the body was her friend's actual
husband, right?
she listens to erin's explanation with a growing sense of anxiety. she reeeaally wants
to do this, huh...?
" Oh, well... I don't mind talking about it. They're in an entirely different language,
though. I know the Ship kind of makes it so we can communicate, but the lyrics still
have to be the same. "
that was true, at least. she almost breathes a sigh of relief, but she knows that
erin will probably still want more information.
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Oh god. The girl is just sixteen but...
Erin blows out a long breath. "No, the person possessing his husband was seducing people while faking his identity. Taking away their ability to consent, to...it was a violation."
Her hand goes to her moving tattoos. Should she have said it? Is this one of the true and awful things people actually need to know? Bash's words about the corpse of the past race through her head.
(She said something else too, Peters)
"You stay out of this," Erin mutters to herself. She paces away, just trying to get some space. "I...yeah, I don't wanna just...they seemed holy," she says at last. "And I know what it can mean, to get something holy wrong. I don't wanna do that, not just because they're important to you but...you know."
(Have we ever seen Tear show this much open emotion?)
"I told you to stay out of it!" Erin realizes she said that out loud. "...Sorry. That was. To myself."
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she's honestly floored to hear that and recoils at the information, covering her
mouth with her hands. it takes only a second for the shock to be replaced by anger,
though. torn had always been a passionate person.
" What a scumbag... Just who is this guy, anyway? I know I'm new here, so I probably
might not know him, but ... "
she'd want to give him a piece of her mind too, if what erin says is true. like, listen.
murdering and whatever? at least that's straight up and kind of ends things. something like
a "violation" has lasting consequences though.
she knows that all too well.
" Hey, are you okay...? "
her brow furrows as she watches erin talk to herself. she isn't scared of it or anything,
but can't help being a little concerned. she can't remember erin doing this in front of
tear before, so maybe it's something of a stress response?
she'll talk about the music later, of course, but erin is a bit more priority right now.
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She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
(Peters, something isn't right)
"I'm sorry, Tear, I know this is supposed to be our time to get away but it's been...it's been an onslaught of a fucking month. I can quit bitching, I swear."
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to be honest torn has never needed to go to that extent herself or anything -- but she
can sympathize. the important part was that erin could tell the difference between the
thoughts and reality anyway, so she isn't really bothered by any of that.
" Yeah, I can't say I know anyone named Giles ... "
who was possessing him, anyway? she'd have to go and find out sometime later, after this
if she can, and give the sicko a piece of her mind herself.
" It's okay, don't worry about it. The reason we're here is one thing, but if you're
stressed about something I have no problem talking about it too. We don't have to do
only music, you know? "
girl talk was one of her favourite things, and something she was sort-of good at.
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(Peters.) The inner voice is so gentle this time. (How often were you told not to ignore yourself? You're the one you have to live with every day. Remember that first night?)
Her head cocks to the side for a moment, birdlike. "...I suppose not, but...I do want to. Could you, maybe, start us off? See if we find the feeling?"
|Explain quickly, me.|
(In what world is the girl who loved her art too much to stop, but was too afraid to share it with others, having a good week when she shows up to get hit with the joy and shame of it at the same time?)
|We don't know that. We barely know Tear!|
(We know she spoke the same words we've spoken when we're lost and lonely)
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she flounders just a bit, unsure of where to begin. was she supposed to explain
the holiness behind her songs first? did erin expect her to just jump right into
those weird lyrics, in that foreign language.
she racks through tear's memories and when she speaks, it sounds almost as though
she's awkwardly reading from a cue-card.
" The songs are in a language called Ancient Ispanian. They were made by a woman
named Yulia Jue, so they're called Yulian Fonic Hymns. Not all Melodists use Yulia's
hymns though ... It was really just my brother and I. "
god, the terminology from tear's world was always so complicated. fonon this, fonic
that. it was almost like she was from some jrpg or something... torn almost wants to sigh.
this was almost like studying in history class or something.
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But the head voices are right. Something isn't rhyming here. Erin paces away, tousling her hair violently. Do something or don't? Crabb got caught out by a subtle change in accent, by the misplaced choice of a word, the signs are so small. She doesn't want to insult her new friend -
(Does Tear strike you as someone with a great excess of pride that can be insulted?)
"You have a point," Erin mutters. She takes a steadying breath. And then: "...Is 'Tear' really what I should be calling you?"
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should explain first. "
the next question makes her freeze up -- did she hear that right? it feels
like there's an anvil sitting on her chest, the weight of this accusation.
it feels like it's a little hard to breathe.
" Um... I'm not really sure how to answer that. Tear is what I usually go by? "
in reality, 'tear' was actually a nickname and not her host's actual
name. but erin probably didn't mean that.
so she cuts right to the chase, just like how she'd imagine the real tear would:
" For the sake of clarification: are you ... trying to ask if I'm possessed too? "
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The Lost turns to face Tear. Rests her hand on her saber, not threateningly, but openly. "So. Did I somehow get everything wrong about my friend? Or is there another name I ought to be calling you?"
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because it's true -- yeah, she has every right to be suspicious, and to be upset that
the singing lesson isn't going the way she wants for it to, but ...
" I don't think you got anything wrong about me... I'm not possessed, I was just
thrown off by what you said earlier -- about that guy, Giles. I ... "
she pauses, hesitating. well ... a little bit of honesty wouldn't hurt here.
" I've been through something like that before, with a former teacher of mine.
Hearing about that was really upsetting ... But I'm not possessed. If I was then
don't you think I'd be attacking you, or going around hurting people, or something?
I wouldn't be coming to see you, or wanting to hear you out in the first place."
ghosts are spooky and all that, right? plus, with what she just said giles did... well.
torn was nothing like that.
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(Leave the revelation aside for now Peters. We're too hurt to ask.)
|What if she needs to talk about it?|
(How much talking is she gonna do if we break down sobbing before she can even finish? One crisis at a time. One.)
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" he's not the only ghost? "
she's surprised to hear that -- both that erin's found some of them out already,
and also that she's let them go for whatever reason.
" what do you mean when you say that they're passengers...? are you saying they're
passengers right now, because they're in a passenger's body? or is it something else? "
she's genuinely curious, since the answer would tell her how much erin knows about
them. torn had heard along the grapevine that some of the ghosts had been sharing
information about them with the other passengers, but she's never really gone into
the specifics. she'd been way more occupied with tear's friend group: that freak
genius colonel and that magic-freak keeping her on her toes.
she has no hostility towards erin though, and hopes her genuine surprise and curiosity lend to the believability of her act. if there was one thing she knew for certain, it was that under tear's tough-soldier act, she was still just a regular teen girl.
erin probably hadn't seen that side yet, though, but ... maybe getting a glimpse
this way wasn't bad either.
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"...They said they don't know how to give the bodies back even if they wanted to. That they don't know how they got in them even. They rhyme a bit with the host but they're playing the wrong song, if you'll excuse the indulgence. That's. Why I'm so worried, right now. I'm prepared to accept that the friends I've made here might be gone. To welcome those who have returned through no fault of their own."
A small, shaky sob. "I just. Want to know if I need to mourn them or not."
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silent as erin talks -- letting her get it all out. the piece about
erin's soul being split into two, or being copied, piques her curiosity
though.
the part about not knowing how to give the bodies back is odd, though.
but then again, they were probably lying.
" I see ... I understand why you'd be wary of me, then. You don't want
to lose any more people you care about... "
she feels a little bad for erin -- a little. what they were doing,
and trying to accomplish, was way more important than just one person's
feelings. but if the roles were reversed, and the shoe was on the other foot,
torn knows she'd probably be reacting just the same.
" I'm not sure if we need to mourn them... I haven't spoken to any of the
possessed people myself. Do you think there's a chance the original person
is still in there? Or did the ghosts say that they're gone? "
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The song of her voice is leaden: "You're not saying it quite right. Tear hides from herself. Her voice is only this true and vulnerable when she's singing. You're too okay being yourself to be the friend I came here for, passenger."
"...Welcome back to our garden."
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the way this person described things too -- "our garden" ... how cringey is that?
whatever. this person can believe what she wants to believe.
part of her is suuuper pissed off about this, but she isn't here looking
for a fight. not when she has bigger things to deal with.
but then again: actually, maybe this is a good thing since not having to do
singing lessons will free up her time more? ]
That's a strong opinion you have towards someone you hardly know.
[ how many interactions did erin even have with tear before this? like,
a handful of lessons?
it was shocking to her that so many people were dead-set on their perceptions
of tear, how so many came to know her so quickly and surely. but then again,
her stoicism probably lended to that, right? her brutal honesty, her monotone
way of speaking.
she was basically like a robot.
or, like makoto. ]
So ... am I correct in guessing you'd like to stop the singing lessons?
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Some part of Erin wants to say: would you sing for me still? Can I hear those songs one last time, pretend things are normal? It would be so easy to just lie to herself.
But honesty is a habit, isn't it?
"...Just go. I won't press you, or push you. If you find that wretch living in Giles, I dunno. Maybe ask your fellows if he's the kind of vermin you want around in your home. I won't say it's been nice meeting you, but..."
"...This is your home too. I mean that."